15. How to Take Back Your Life

Finding Joy

Dear Readers,

I’m coming to the end of this thread after the next posting. You have shared this journey with me, and I’m grateful for the company. The material I need to write the book is in a rough draft format here, now. I need to catch up on my class lessons to complete this project, but I’ll be soliciting five of you to read the final version and critique it. I welcome you to drop me an email if this read is one you want a personal piece of at 1veronicaakers@gmail.com. Until then, I’ll be taking a couple of months off from the blog to refine my work, and I’ll keep this thread, What Children’s Protective Services DIDN’T Drop Off with Your Grandchildren updated. I’ve learned so much from the beginning of this year, both personally and professionally, and you’ve supported me to this pivotal point. See you soon!

Waiting for the popcorn to pop…with Joy in the background!

I was ready to get back to purposely being happy. I was tired of feeling sad. I’m a planner by nature, and wanted peaceful serenity again, so I started to get my ducks in a row with (oddly) legacy planning, low pressure goal setting and finding joy, but not necessarily in that order. I wasn’t sure where to start because the big picture seemed too enormous to tame. Mrs. Gump, my seventh grade teacher, once said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, (she always addressed us that way and it was refreshing in junior high to be referred to so respectfully) when things are overwhelming, break the project into small parts, and tackle one bit at a time.” She was referring to our first research paper assignment, but I’ve found it applies well to life in general. (Footnotes, quotes and 4,000 words on some mind numbing topic. Do Junior High students write term papers anymore?)

Legacy planning was the easiest for me, so it was my starting point. I’ve always been a huge fan of Suzy Orman, the money advisor. Decades ago I had purchased her will planning and trust kit for $29.99. (Today it is more, but worth the cost IF YOU USE IT, and you own it forever.) I filled in my info, with minor modifications to fit our circumstance, and wallah-I printed out a will, and a trust (along with other “essential documents”. The modification of note was Andy and Addie’s classification. I put them under “dependent children”, which they are, instead of actual grandchildren. This adjustment allowed me to list suggested guardians for the children if we die before they reach adulthood. Although our desire is recorded, the court can override and choose whomever they wish. (Had we adopted instead of claiming custody, our wishes would be cemented, but I still can’t see the financial punishment justifiable, in our situation.) I made an appointment with an attorney I didn’t know (an estate professional) with Suzy’s recommendation to have it checked and possibly modified for the state we live in. The attorney wasn’t happy with my choice to use a kit-and only pay her an hour to proof it. She normally collected $2,000 for a trust and $250 for a will. Since it was the first visit, it was free according to her ad. She wasn’t cooperative and put sizable doubt in my mind that I was making a big mistake in my choice to use a formatted template.

In the end, I went to a different attorney and paid him $1,000 for a trust that proved Suzi Orman’s kit was enough for my situation. (I compared his work to Suzi Orman’s template and found them remarkably similar with slightly different wording. He also used a formatted software app, by the way.) I was told to go to the hospital cashier and use the state form for a living will and healthcare Power of Attorney (POA) because the standardized copy is the least questioned by an estate planner decades ago. It’s free and only required two non-family people to witness them, and I used Suzi’s will from my trusty kit. Ms. Orman taught me more than I realized before attorney number two. She specifically had me list persons I did NOT want getting any assets, and I listed the children's parents. James had taught me not to give an addict money they hadn’t worked hard for… Attorney #2 only put a general statement about persons not listed as not having rights, but I made him put their names specifically so there would never be any question in a court regarding my wishes. (He was clearly not happy with this strangely, but did as I requested.) Thank you Suzi.

There are several will and trust kits out there besides Suzi Orman’s. Rocket Lawyer also has options at a lower cost than a lawyer, including a free trial, but I needed the peace of mind that comes from hiring a professional, so I was willing to pay. I think Ms. Orman is a safe bet because she recommends that you have an attorney double check the boxes, as long as you do it, of course.

Goal Setting was rather informal. Who needs pressure? I’d written hundreds of nursing care plans over the years, so I applied this strategy toward my personal life for the first time. A nursing care plan starts with focusing on a problem or need, so I started listing mine. I then put them in order of importance to me. Using Mrs. Gump’s advice again, I broke down each problem/need into smaller action steps-with dates to hold myself accountable. Here’s a random example:

My problem/need: I need time to get my blog written, and can’t accomplish much while interacting with the kids (fun as it is).

• Look on Care.com by August 7th and write a list of babysitters I can afford.

• Post on Nextdoor.com’s app tonight to see if there is someone in my neighborhood looking for a babysitting job.

• Talk to the other parents from the school bus stop to see if they recommend anyone close by, or who they have used by next week.

• Schedule time after kids are in bed to write.

• Post a flyer on the Community College bulletin board by their Childhood Development section regarding looking to hire a babysitter.

In the end, I realized we didn’t have enough money to sustain a babysitter forever so I usually write after putting the kids to bed, or Ned takes them (like today’s bike ride to the park). We lose the nanny at the end of the month, but both children are in school full-time this year. My plan is very flexible and constantly changing, but seeing my problems/needs on paper helped me realize that I needed to look at what I was doing-and try something different. The concreteness of a plan made life hopeful again.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein.

I’m enjoying what I can now, today-playdates, lunch with friends when off from work and the kids are in school, swimming lessons, putt-putt golf, and snuggling when Addie wanders into our bed at night, or I read a story in the rocking chair to Andy. I like watching TV some evenings in a chair next to Ned, and cutting flowers from him in a vase, next to the crayons and coloring books. I enjoy family vacations and bike rides, picnics of Kentucky Fried Chicken in various parks, and posing for funny faced pictures.

Everyday I thank God for these two challenging blessings, and I mean it. It all comes at a cost, a small sacrifice here and there, or as in Ned’s case, a total career change to caregiving instead of running his company, but the reward is huge. We see progress. It’s been over five years, and Andy and Addie are flourishing…