Photo by Eduardo Soares on Unsplash
One of my favorite movies, Secondhand Lions, teaches many valuable lessons. Our version of events isn’t based so much in reality, but rather, perception…If Jennifer told this story, it would sound different, but I was instructed by the court to keep a “Book of Life” for each child. Someday, I will be gone, and they will be curious…this is our story, my story, and my take:
A poisonous mother, no matter how bad, is still a child’s mom, regardless of age. Now in her very late twenties, Jennifer had known nothing else but Suzi, and they had always been close. Our ideas of what is normal are based on our frame of personal experience. Jennifer’s day to day life was very different than mine, or my biological children’s. We visited Ned’s daughter each week, when permitted by the rehabilitation facility, Laura’s Home, but Jennifer was cool to me. I was the woman her dad had married with ease. I never saw myself as Suzi’s rival, but I was in a way. I was what Suzi had wanted to be so viciously, without effort on my part. Ironically, marrying Ned had been the farthest thing from my mind up until it happened. Finding love had been a happy accident.
The three of us went out to eat. We went for walks and talks. We even went to church across town with Jennifer, at her request, to a Christian Church that many from Laura’s Home attended. The Church was a far cry from my upbringing in the strict Catholic community I had been raised and attended all my life. There was rock music (loved it!) and video screens flashing up the words to unfamiliar songs of praise. People hugged and drank complimentary cups of coffee during the service. Catholics fast for an hour before Communion and I was pleasantly shocked by this display of humanistic reality. (Did I mention that I love coffee almost as much as Ned, just in decaf form?) (Don’t judge me…yes, decaf-I’m hyper by nature and don’t need help.) The pastor even prayed openly prophesying prosperity over the lost sheep who came forward in blue jeans and t-shirts to be saved-dress our Catholic pastor would have condemned as disrespectful. When Jennifer needed clothes, I saw an opportunity to bond. I loved to shop, and looked at the act as a sport equal to a football player in the Super Bowl. For me, getting the most bang out of a buck perusing racks of close out designer clothes at TJ Maxx was heaven on earth. Jennifer had very different ideas though.
The shopping trip was our first one on one without Ned, and I was excited to get her some good and flattering clothes. She was so pretty and her Goodwill garb was not in tune with her aura. I knew she didn’t pick out the fluorescent orange top and spandex pants she sported by choice. I never expected to be more than a good friend; never sought to take her mom’s place-but the iciness of a Snow Queen was apparent before the trip’s end. Forever on a budget, I carefully had set aside what I considered a small fortune to spend on a worthwhile cause. I knew Jennifer would have job interviews coming up.
Jennifer had distinct goals: Victoria’s Secret and Pac Sun for starters. I didn’t want this opportunity to go south before we even made it out of the car, but I quickly was getting the impression of being taken advantage of, so I, a doormat in my past life, decided to speak up, “I have a set amount to spend. We can go to those stores, but I’d like to start at TJ Maxx and just see what’s available first.” This clearly didn’t set well with Jennifer, but I was driving and we pulled into the parking lot. She made a good show of pretending to look at the racks, and quickly shot down my suggestions. At this point, I gave in. (Was the comfort of the old doormat showing?) Victoria Secret and Pac Sun were open across the street at the mall. I would stick to the budget and let her choose what she wanted. At least in my head I was sticking to the boundaries I had control over.
Jennifer had been to Victoria’s Secret before clearly. She knew what she wanted. I could honestly have gotten myself five bras for what she spent on one, but then, I was always frugal, and decided to lighten up. Fancy bras wouldn’t be needed for job interviews, but maybe it was wrong to make my goal hers. I paid for two, and we took off for Pac Sun. The store was a teen spot to me, and unfamiliar. I’d found a long washable ultra suede coat on a clearance rack there once when shopping with my daughter, also a bargain hunter, but other than that, had never considered entering what I considered to be an expensive shop for teens. Jen wanted jeans, and I couldn’t help pointing out that we were close to the end of my money if we bought just one pair here. The jeans were embellished and beautiful. I could see the lure. She found the perfect pair, along with a couple of clearance t-shirts (maybe I did get through a little?), and I paid for them. None of these clothes would work for a job interview, but she was happy, so I gave up.
Ice cream is the nectar of the gods. Life is always better with it (unless you’re cursed with lactose intolerance). East Coast Custard was a luxury I could mentally handle, and a balm for my failed attempt at practicality. Jen and I ate in uncomfortable silence, and I drove her back to Laura’s Home. I don’t believe she thanked me at any time, and I was hurt and dismayed. She was irritated. I believe, but couldn’t be sure, that she had expected an unlimited open purse.
Ned asked me how the trip went and I lied, “We had a great time.” I think he knew because I’m a lousy lier, but wisely let it go. It was then that I spotted the huge floral arrangement he had bought me days ago for some celebration in our life. I love that man. The flowers were exquisite from Nela’s Florist where he had a business account for his best customers. I kissed him, so grateful to have found this gem of a man who loved me. He was always good with flowers.
Life is full of ups and downs. The up came quickly as Jennifer was released from rehab, moved back in with her very forgiving grandparents (wow), with a job opportunity selling plans and phones for an independent call center for AT&T products. She needed a car for work that Ned bought second hand from his good friend, Fish, and gave her. (All of Ned’s friends have nicknames.) Soon, Jennifer was awarded top sales rep! There was talk of her becoming a manager. (She was very smart after all.) We were elated. She was blossoming.
It seemed like a blink of an eye when Jennifer introduced us to her new boyfriend, Andrew, a handsome young man with dark Italian features and his underwear showing noticeably above his baggy jeans. He wore designer tennis shoes and a Nike tee. His pant’s crotch hung somewhere around his knees. An expensive baseball cap worn backward topped off the outfit. He looked great-until he opened his mouth, and I could barely understand him. He was unemployed. He didn’t have a driver’s license either in his mid twenties. Still, I genuinely liked him in a weird way. Maybe his good looks, or his underlying vulnerability struck a cord in me? They were moving in together. 12 step programs discourage pairing up quickly after rehab for good reason. I knew this wasn’t in her best interest but quickly squelched the objections screaming in my head and bit my tongue. I didn’t want to be judgmental, but I was. They were already a couple, and what was the point? She was an adult after all.
I’ve always been fascinated by those who don’t work and are able bodied. Money comes and goes over the course of a lifetime, so shouldn’t be a cause for bias, but work ethic matters to me. People rise and fall, and rise again. Look at Donald Trump. He’s made and lost millions more than once, but even those who love or hate him think of him as someone who has “made it” in life. I’ve never found a man without a job attractive, but then, I’ve always worked my butt off, as did my parents and those around me, and been fortunate to know men who worked. I’ve never known how to work the system because no one around me knew or tried. My mom had encouraged us to be able to support ourselves because who knew what the future held? College wasn’t a choice. It was an expectation in my community. Jennifer had a different upbringing.
We had no clue that Suzi was about to be released from prison…