What if your life changed completely in a 5 minute phone call from Children’s Protective Services asking you to take care of your grandchildren 24/7? What if the visit stretched indefinitely over the years to evolve into a new type of family?
The transition from carefree couple of empty nesters to family of four went as smoothly as grabbing a porcupine. Ned and I had a talk. He was going to stay home with the kids and try to work his floor installation business around my job at a surgery center. He had been a private contractor, and I carried our benefits through the hospital till he went on Medicare. Healthcare isn’t known for its flexibility, and I couldn’t pick up the phone if anyone had called in the middle of an operation about the children. (No, I’m not a surgeon lol.) (Thank goodness because they have no time outside of work hardly.)
As weeks went on, we realized that we were tired, grieving, and never again going to see the elusive “me” time as things were, so Ned came up with a plan that works for us. We’ve added and subtracted help in various forms along the way, but we built a village of support around us, both financial and social. The village started with a surprising person, Ned’s former girlfriend, Karrie. (Care.com has a great platform if your husband’s former girlfriend isn’t available to be a nanny, but I invite you to be creative.) I also tried other low cost options first. Local community colleges offering Child Development certifications with hungry students, YMCA child care drop offs while exercising (I’ll write more about YMCA in another newsletter because it’s so great!), teens home from school for the summer in the neighborhood, and of course, relatives who might watch your children for free. Uncle Thomas and Aunt Jessica are actually Ned’s business partner and his wife, and their daughter, Tatiana, is our children’s cousin. They are family to us. My daughter lives close by, as does Ned’s son.
We also happen to live in the best geographical “village” of people in reality. Because of the children, I have met the neighbors. Antonia and Rick live behind us with their son, Lincoln, who is the kids’ soulmate. Rick built a dirt bike track in his backyard and all the kids were off training wheels by age four using balance bikes to transition to pedal bikes. Ned chats with neighbors waiting at the bus stop with the kids. My former coworker, Crystal, lives across the street and has been our emergency fill-in on more than one occasion. She has also saved my sanity and I hers as her husband, a Vietnam vet, suffers a slow death from Agent Orange. Kind and gentle, her Rich would play ball with Andy and bring him gifts to help him talk, like “Alexis”, which actually worked. (Andy’s lack of early speech is another story to tell).
With the gains came some losses. I also lost “friends” when we took on the children. I was told that we had no business saying yes to kids at our age, that we should let someone who wanted to adopt have them, or whine how they never got to see me anymore because they refused to go to the zoo instead of cocktails. We became a package deal. We became a family.
2019 brought the pandemic and Virtual Preschool to our household; translation: Zoom app. My beloved husband is older than I and has a bit of love/hate thing going with technology. He does not “Zoom”, and I was at work during the one hour that was initially a 2 1/2 hour in-person class. Karrie came with crafts (that woman could create a house out of paper plates), a love of children, and the willingness to try to Zoom preschool. She also has a slight health issue that made traditional jobs challenging. It has been a win/win with a few tiny bumps for all of us, (okay, she IS his ex…) and I know how lucky we are to have found a great “fit”. I credit the children’s current school success largely to Karrie’s flashcards and other “games”, and her patience of the saints.
True confession here-I don’t know any woman who would be happy about the idea of her husband spending time with his former girlfriend while the wife is working. Fortunately, sleep deprivation, stress, and insanity holding a shaking baby going through heroin withdrawal will all soften your outlook, and the knowledge that he didn’t have the energy left to stray didn’t hurt either. (Did I mention that I trust him?) It helps that she wants to spend twice the time we pay her for here at our house-that’s family too. I have to admit, when she isn’t driving me crazy, I really like her.
Cost is a factor when you take on grandchildren, not that we gave it a thought before saying “yes”. As a couple looking to retire soon, savings for two would have to stretch to necessities for four.
NEXT WEDNESDAY:
Thanks for your insights!
I’ve read your instant messages and I’ll be ready to start the story at the beginning next week with more about the children. I want to manage expectations though-it’s not written yet! … (It counts though that I’m often thinking about it!)
If you like what you read and want to share, please do! Maybe you even know someone this might help…Another way to help is to leave a comment. I value your insights. What would you like to hear about? What do you need as a kinship caregiver?
The technology is a bit of a learning curve for me. I’m getting the hang of it and even having a little fun. Heck-it’s all fun! This dream of writing is happening!
Yes. I changed the names to protect the innocent.
Just making sure I am following… Andy is your new grandson, right? Thanks!