What Children's Protective Services DIDN'T drop off with your Grandchildren

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren and Thriving Against the Odds

Overview: What Children’s Protective Services DIDN’T drop off with your Grandchild-One Couple’s Journey raising Grandchildren against the Odds

Dear Readers,

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In the past I judged other parents by how their children acted. I thought impaired young adults were products of broken homes. I had much to learn, and will never see children’s behavior (or adults) as a reflection of good or bad parenting again. My first marriage of 23 years produced two perfect and “gifted” children. My son died January 2020 of an opioid overdose days before his 30th birthday.

I met Ned in 2011 and after a brief courtship, we married. In 2014, my husband’s estranged daughter from a previous relationship reached out from prison. A young adult, she was recovering from heroin, and wanted help getting back on her feet. We encouraged her to complete the rehab program, got her a used car, and gave her job references. We were surprised when she quickly found a boyfriend, also a recovering heroin addict. Ned hired him into his business but the boyfriend wasn’t much of a worker. The new couple quickly had a son in 2015 who was an angel to us. In 2016, we were becoming aware that our daughter/stepdaughter might be relapsing with her heroin addiction. We’d watch our grandson weekends that usually started on a Friday night with promise of a Saturday morning pickup, that evolved with multiple excuses into a Sunday night retrieval.

In 2018, his daughter confirmed she was pregnant with their second child. Quickly events slid downhill from there. Ned got a panic stricken phone call from the baby daddy that Ned’s daughter was in labor, 4 weeks early, bleeding, and being taken to the local hospital by ambulance. After we got to the hospital, the mom’s nurse pulled me aside before I walked into the patient room. “You need to have a heart to heart with your daughter, and you need to see the baby tonight.” I’m a nurse and understood she couldn’t say much protecting patient privacy, but I knew from her sense of urgency that the situation was bad.

     His daughter fidgeted on the bed jonesing for a fix. “I don’t understand why they didn’t transfer me downtown with the baby.” The local suburban hospital had a glass walkway connecting it to a rehab center. After we left, she was told it would be best for her to accept treatment for heroin addiction.  She left Against Medical Advice seconds after we went to see the baby downtown. I laugh now because coming from the middle class suburbs, I hadn’t thought she would leave although I was already suspicious of her behavior. In my mind at the time, I had given her incentive. “If you don’t stay, your insurance won’t pay for the emergency bills!” I had no idea that Medicaid is at no cost to those who are approved to use it, and that Medicaid coverage for the children would be far better than what we could provide from my policy with the hospital as a nurse. I find it ironic that as a worker, I have a lower quality of healthcare than those who are unable to contribute skills. (Present day has me thanking my lucky stars for the children’s medical coverage. It is also why we cannot adopt them since we would lose the insurance and be responsible to provide them with healthcare as we are trying to afford a retirement that was previously saved for two.)

The phone call from Children’s Protective Services came as we drove to see the baby at the downtown hospital. She had been taken by helicopter to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, NICU. Because of privacy rights, no one told us Ned’s daughter had relapsed, or that the baby was addicted. The questions started easy enough, “Your daughter has shown a lack of judgment. If Dad has to work (that brought out a chuckle from me) would you be willing to be “on call” for babysitting?“ “Of course” we replied on speaker phone as we parked at the downtown hospital to see the baby. “Well, actually, dad has shown a lack of judgment. If needed, would you be willing to babysit the children if the parents go to work?” (Now my chuckle is a little uneasy.) “We already babysit the little man.” “Where would you want to babysit? Your home or their apartment? Actually, Their home is not really in very good shape, so if you are agreeable, the children will come and stay in your home for the next month while mom and dad get some help. Do you want the grandchildren? Will you care for them?” 

I quickly looked at Ned and we firmly said, “Yes” at the same time.

     One month has grown to multiple years today. We kept our heads down and plowed forward like bulls in a china shop. It wasn’t a direct question by any means, but it only took minutes to forever change our lives. After ridiculous inconsequential demands placed on us as caretakers, and flagrant wrongdoing reinforced by inaction on CPS’s part of the parents, we took Children’s Protective Services to court and were awarded legal custody of the grandchildren. “Only one parent in the home has to recover and the children can go back.” “We don’t have to give you any warning. We can just show up on your doorstep and take the kids.” “We expect you to use the health system on the other side of town their parents chose so that when they go back it’s convenient for the PARENTS”. The parents stopped visiting.  We found good help locally. Ed’s previous girlfriend is our nanny (I know, but it works for us). We weathered the pandemic. I worked throughout it as a nurse. Ned and I each buried a son from overdoses.

WE are a family. With love, we can overcome challenges and flourish. I’m looking forward to retirement and writing. You can become a family as well if you inherit children, avoid and learn from our mistakes, and take advantages of resources I will share to ease the burden of caring for and supporting others. You can even grow if you reframe your ideas, and reinvent your life, in a positive way that I outline for you in this book.

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